the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
