Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
