Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
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I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?