i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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