Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
...so i touched it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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