i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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