My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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