Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
