My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
