I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
