Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
