she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
