He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
