I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
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