Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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