I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
