My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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