Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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