When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
soo... how was my night?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
