Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
