That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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