My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
