at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
