Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
