You're my little dorito
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
