why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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