I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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