im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
