Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
