Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
