we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
