woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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