this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
