Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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