Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
