Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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