***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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