I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
