You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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