My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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