There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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