My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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