The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
