i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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