if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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