you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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