You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
