you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
