just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
