We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
