32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
