he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
