I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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