Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
